The change is so unpredictable sometimes. One minute I feel extremely motivated and like everything in the world is perfect. I don’t need to sleep sometimes for days at a time, but can still function like I would in any other situation. I just plunge myself into a large list of new projects and commitments. “Since I don’t need to sleep, I might as well volunteer at every organization that is in the area, and heck, why not start learning three new hobbies and two languages?” I think to myself. Suddenly I have so many thoughts running through my mind all fighting each other to try to catch my attention at the same time, and many of those unwelcome thoughts involve buying so many things I don’t need to buy, things that I would never consider buying if I was in my right frame of mind. Other thoughts involve puting myself in dagerous and risky situations, like being intimate with people I barely even know, people who really don’t deserve to spend time with me in such a way. I’ve been seriously hurt by people I thought I could trust after just one online conversation, but the rush felt exciting in the moment. Occasionally there will even be strange visual hallucinations just for a moment or so, then just as quickly they disappear. But that is to be expected when you’ve gone days without sleeping. Shortly after the mania leaves I start a downward spiral; my mood and energy level unexpectedly take a dramatic and very negative turn.
All of the energy I had days before leaves my body and I’m left barely able to move. Every muscle in my body hurts getting out of bed suddenly becomes the longest part of my day. Instead of not needing any sleep for hours, I stay in an almost coma like slumber for sometimes 20 hours at a time. Even when I am awake I find no joy in being alive which includes completing all of the tasks and commitments I made during my period of mania. I either completely lose my appitite, or I hunger for anything I can get my hands on. during this depressive period all of the negative emotions that I have been surpressing, including emotions as a result of the trauma caused by the danger I went through while risk taking during my manic phase. I spend most of my time crying uncontrolablly, feeling worthless, useless, feeling like a waste of space,and guilt for every bad thing that has ever happened to the ones I love. Then even darker feelings set in, feelings that I deserve to die, and the auditory halucinations that soon show up start confirming what I was starting to feel already, that I needed to do anything possible to die. A couple of times I even came close to ending everything. I won’t say how just in case anyone out there is feeling these same feelings and may need to find help, but I will say I am very grateful to the angels I have here on earth who saved me when I needed help the most. Luckily for me in those darkest times of my depressive episodes There were always people around me to take me to the hospital when simply talking about it wasn’t enough.
After a while of being undiagnosed it came out that I have bipolar 2 which is one of the three catagories of the disorder. With this type of bipolar the manic phases are less dangerous than they are for someone with type one, but the depressive episodes of bipolar 2 usually last longer and are more extreme than those for people with type 1. Agitation or iritability is a symptom that is also common for people with both types of bipolar, but if it is one of my symptoms, I have not realized it yet. It has been a few years since I started taking medication for this disorder, and as long as I remember to take it I do so much better and have a more stable and rational shift in moods depending on various stimuli that reach the brain. The thing that is important to remeber about taking medication is that no matter how high quality a medication is, it will never be a magic pill that will make everything 100 percent better instantly. No one can ever be 100 percent well or 100 percent unwell, and though medication helps many people greatly, there is still often the need for different types of therapy such as talk therapy, dialectical behavioral therapy, and cognitive behavioral therapy. There is also a need to do some work outside of taking the medication and doing either form of therapy. This work is often messy and not something we naturally want to do as it brings up painful realizations about our selves and our pasts. Working through the pain to figure out triggers or what causes our symptoms to happen and also to find healthier ways to handle the effects of these triggers is a very important component to the healing proccess. Healing is nessesary for us to be happier and healthier human beings who can create a brighter world for the next generation so they do not have to suffer the same way we did. I am in no way perfect; I am still working through these steps myself, but I believe I am doing everything I can to heal and repair the damage the underlying issues have caused through the manifestation of these symptoms.
Who Gets Bipolar?
The development of bipolar disorder is thought to be caused in part by genetics in about half of all cases, though there are other times when someone can develop the disorder without it running in their family. In addition to genetic factors, there are also other reasons why the disorder can develop. One of the possible ways it can develop is if a person experiences extremely traumatic events in their lives; the other major way is through the use of alcohol and other types of drugs.
Do I Even Need to Get Treated?
Short answer, yes; long answer, Absolutely yes, and there is a list of reasons why. Bipolar, if left untreated can have severe and sometimes fatal consequences. Mine went untreated for years and it nearly took everything from me including my life. One of the complications that can arise is strangely also one of the possible ways the condition develops. For the people who develop bipolar disorder before developing a substance abuse disorder, drug and alcohol use can become one of the possible side effects as people untreated often realize something is wrong, but don’t know what it is. Because of that, they self medicate with different types of drugs and alcohol which puts them at risk for eventually developing a substance abuse disorder. These substances are ones I’ve tried to stay away from even when I wasn’t diagnosed, because Alcoholism and drug abuse do run in my biological family. One problem I did suffer from though, was declining work performance. There were some days when I would not remember I was supposed to be at work or sometimes when I was actually too depressed to get out of bed to go to work. On top of all that I found myself going in and out of the hospital for suicidal thinking and attempts as well as some other stuff that started happening around that time. I ended up having to quit my job and live with my family again until I could get Social Security Disability for both my bipolar, and all of the other health condtitions I had that were preventing me from being my full self. There can also be major issues within any type of relationships a person with untreated bipolar either develops, or already has. This was one other difficult effect the symptoms of my bipolar had. I would constantly get into arguments with my family members during times when I was taking too many risks, or when I was in my darkest states of depression. my emotions would drop from high to low so fast, and when it did I would become suicidal or irrational and try to run away. some other types of problems people with untreated bipolar may come across are legal and financial ones. depending on how bad their risk taking and other symptoms get during their manic phases, or if they do develop substance abuse issues, it can eat away at their finances or even land them in jail or prison if one of the risks they take involves commiting some type of crime. I have run into quite a few financial problems as my risk taking often involves shopping for things I know I can’t afford, and don’t need. That is why, even now, my mother is still my payee, which means she manages my money so all my bills are paid, and gives me an allotted amount of money every month to buy some things I do really want, or has me save it for emergencies.
Their are very terrible consequences of not geting help for this mental illness but perhaps the most serious is suicidal actions which could all have the possibility of changing from attempts to deaths, which may feel like what you want to do in the moment, but there have been many people who have been brought back to life after a suicide attempt and were so thankful it didn’t work. I am one of those people. I am so happy that I am still alive, even though there are still forces at work that try to convice me otherwise. I now have the tools I need to stand up against these negative forces and the understanding to know that those moments of sadness are just temporary; that greatness is soon to follow.
What Can You Do if You Feel You Need Help?
First and foremost, reach out to somebody. It can be anyone you trust, a significant other, a parent, grandparent, friend, teacher, or anyone else in your life that you see as a trusted part of your support system, or even someone from a crisis hotline. There is a resource page on this site where you can find various hotlines that work for all of the united states for different types of emergencies. 911 is also always avalible if you are in an emergency situation and need help right away. Even if it seems scary to do reach out to someone, it is absolutely worth it. I wish I had gotten the help I needed much sooner than I did. It would have saved me from a great deal of pain.
If you are not in an emergecy situation, but you still feel like you need help to manage any of these symptoms you might be experiencing find services in your community that can help you through everything. Get yourself into counseling and also psychiatry if needed; if you need help finding these kind of services it may be a good idea to talk to someone at the hospital who can help, or to get in touch with someone from a local human service organization such as the Department of Social Services, or perhaps if you are still in school, you can go to the guidance counselor’s office. All highschools and colleges have an office dedicated to helping students with many different types of issues.
Please remember this is not intended to replace medical or psychological treatment, and is not meant to act as a form of diagnosis or treatment. This is simply one person’s story of how Bipolar has affected their life, and ways that she was able to begin to heal from her suffering.
Mental Health Blog | Fight4mylife | United States 