Environmental changes
Over the past few months Covid-19 has changed the entire world and has caused changes to my world as well. While most other countries in the world have gotten a real good handle on the situation and have been able to start allowing life to go on more normally, the status here in the United States is constantly shifting going through periods of worse and better and then worse again. One problem is that all of the different states are at different stages of functionality, and within those states there are differences within the different regions as well. Not too long ago my county in my state was at phase three of its four stage plan which meant that stores and restaurants were open for in store shopping and eating. Now because people aren’t being careful like they were before, stores and restaurants are starting to close again. All of these changes have played a hand in my personal life changes and both the personal and environmental changes in my life have all come together and are acting as challenges I need to find a way to overcome.
Like most people, the first thing to change were my typical day to day events, and how I completed my college classes with the focus being online instead of in person as I had been doing before the virus hit North America. The next thing to change was the way I went to my doctor’s appointments and the frequency of them. I see several doctors including my psychologist to help give me someone to talk to about my more serious mental health issues. My normal day would consist of either going to school and the mall afterwards to look around and see the movies with my unlimited movie pass. Or go to my internship and later volunteer site the Salvation Army to help people in need. I have not worked in many years due to my disability status, but I would frequently do things like go to the library for hours, and restaurants, the mall, the gym, and different types of social support groups like Al-anon for family members of alcoholics, an affected by suicide support group, a general wellness group, and a socialization group. All those groups have been canceled now, the gym, and library are closed, and the mall is open but is a breeding ground for Covid-19 still, and I as well as others in my family are at an increased risk of dying from the illness. It is still possible to go to the place I would volunteer at, but that too is an area where sickness would be easier to catch. Luckily school has been finished for a couple of months and I was able to graduate with the associate degrees I spent 7 years working towards. I will talk more on that in a future blog post but all I will say is it feels so great; the debt, however, does not. Another activity I regularly used to engage in was going to the various thrift stores in my area and finding interesting things that I can use for crafts or to decorate my apartment. Some are still open, but the one I used to find the coolest stuff at is still closed. My medical appointments have become fewer and far between, except for the resent surge of doctor visits to fix a minor issue I’ve been having with my physical health. Many of the other appointments I have been having have either been on the phone or through telehealth video calling. This is also how I’ve been keeping in touch with my family members who I have been distant from due to not wanting to do any unnecessary travel. Plus my aunt who lives several states away. It hasn’t been easy and I would certainly prefer to do most of these appointments and family visits in person, but it is still far better than being completely isolated from the outside world. It has been much needed especially with all of the changes to my personal life and with my own constantly changing mental health.
The changes in my typical activities have now extended into seasonal changes in activities I usually do or are involved in during the summer. For one thing, all of the pools in my area are closed, and the closest beaches are impossible to get to by walking which is my only method of transportation. I have family members with cars, but they also don’t want to go to the beaches for fear of them being overcrowded. Another change has been the yearly traditions I have begun to build up since moving on my own. Usually every summer I go to a local festival called Mount Caramel Feast, as well as my county’s fair, and the local fireworks display at our major park. I also have started a tradition of doing something once in a lifetime and memorable on my birthday every year since my 22nd birthday (no not 21st because the people I would have partied with were in Jamaica that year, though I guess it was still memorable, so thanks to you dad). All of these events were canceled due to the fact that it would be impossible for proper social distancing. I am not upset that all of this stuff is being canceled because I know it will help keep people safe and healthy, I just wish that other people were actually following all of the rules and advice from the professionals in charge of the crisis management so that things would go back to some sort of normal like how other countries are starting to go back to their versions of normal while still keeping their numbers down. Do I miss doing my normal activities? Absolutely. Am I finally starting to get bored with watching tv and Netflix? Oh definitely. But I also understand that most of my boredom is also coming from the changes I’m going through personally and not necessarily due to these changes in my environment and routine.
Personal Changes
All of these changes in my environment, plus the usual fluctuations in my chemicals and hormones due to mental health issues have also created personal health and wellness changes that have been even harder to overcome than the environmental changes. One change that has been both environmental and personal is my living situation throughout quarantine. When my city was hit the building I live in, which is for seniors and people with disabilities, ended up being closed down to visitors and my mom didn’t want me to be isolated for so long without any other human contact so I went to stay with her for a couple of months. While at my mom’s it was back to my structured pre-adult life as opposed to me just doing whatever I wanted whenever I wanted (i.e. no more ice cream for breakfast, and reasonable bedtime). While there were drawbacks the structure really helped keep my mood up. After the two months while my building has still been closed to guests my mom and I agreed that I would be fine to go back as long as I kept up video communication with the family and stuff. I have been doing alright over all, but there have been other changes in my personal life that have been impacting me. I had some stressors early on last month, but most of the issues ended up being resolved. First to kick things off I found out my brother who only just this year became a member of the U.S Army is being deployed by next year. I have been able to work through that because he is not going to too dangerous of a place, but at the time I was freaking out, especially since this is the longest, we’ve been apart since he was born. Shortly after I found out that someone at my cousin’s work was diagnosed with Covid-19 and that her and my aunt may have been affected. That worried me especially since my aunt found out when she was on her way up here for a visit. That fear was also quickly taken away because both of them tested negative for the illness. That very same day I found out that my grandfather had collapsed and was in the hospital. I found out that he was okay though and that fear was gone too. Another issue that really keeps changing and deteriorating is mine and my siblings relationship with our father, especially as a result of difficulties with his girlfriend. I will not go into detail because I love my father and know he’s trying his best, but he needs to definitely set up some boundaries, and not allow his girlfriend to kick us out of his life. I don’t really know if she is doing it on purpose, but I do know it really hurts and needs to stop immediately. Along with all of that there is the stress I always feel when thinking of my birth family, but more specifically worrying about my birth mother and siblings. That stress, pain and fear never really goes away, I am just sometimes able to find distractions from it. That has been harder to do, especially now. This month a new little wave of changes have also got me more stressed out than is healthy. One of the issues I have with my disability is money management. Up until recently my mother has been in charge of my money and how much I end up spending. Unfortunately, I have a habit of acting impulsively and spending money when I do have access to it instead of asking permission to buy whatever it is I want to buy. This, plus the fact that she doesn’t want our relationship affected has made it so she is no longer able to do that for me, which means I need someone from the Department of Social Services to act as my new payee. This is obviously going to be a lot different from having a family member in that position. The stress of that, plus the stress brought on by hearing complaints others have had when in a similar position have me kind of freaked out. On top of that. Within the two months that I have been on my own, and honestly before this even started. My level of functioning as a healthy adult has significantly gone down. I’m having issues with insomnia, med management, eating, personal hygiene, lack of energy, and loss of interest and motivation. The levels of difficulty fluctuate from day to day, but more often than not things are at their worse. Because of this I was faced with the option of moving into an assisted living facility or get someone to come into my home and help me do the things I need to do to stay alive. Due to financial reasons I am going with the second option, but the loss of my level of independence and functioning has me feeling pretty down. On top of all of this, it is getting harder to tell what is and isn’t a hallucination. For that issue, another medication has been added to the ever -growing list. I know my life could be a lot worse, and knowing that actually helps, but the fact that I am having so many of these problems is causing me a great deal of pain and is increasing the severity of the battle I constantly face between should I or shouldn’t I keep living. To be clear, I am not going to do anything to hurt myself, but the feeling of being a useless burden is very strong. I know I still need to continue my medication and work with my therapist, as well as reach out to loved ones when I need help though and will continue to do so.
Recap, and Lesson’s I’m Learning
The world has changed quite a bit as a result of the virus Covid-19 plans are constantly changing and being canceled. There are even more family issues than there usually are, at least within my family. I am sure other families are struggling too, but this can also be a time to come together, and to spend more time getting to know each other in a different way. Gatherings and typical daily activities have also changed too. I am seriously upset that so many people are losing the businesses that they worked so hard to build up, but keeping people safe and sparing as many lives as possible still must be a priority. There needs to be a balance between the two, but more importantly average citizens need to actually learn to follow the guidelines put in place by the experts whose entire lives have been dedicated to fighting contagious diseases. One’s mental health is constantly changing, mine is no different. Some time it is hard for me to accept it, but I have various illnesses and disabilities that are never going to go away and are going to have times when they are more difficult to manage than they are at other times. I need to be able to accept that too, and to accept help when I need it, so that I can get better faster too. One thing I am starting to gain are the hobbies I have been too depressed to continue doing. I will keep doing them and may even develop new ones. I will also still find ways to challenge myself physically and to exercise regardless of access to a gym. While the events in my life are consistently changing and leading to new feelings and challenges, I know that I must keep up the
fight-4-my-life.
Mental Health Blog | Fight4mylife | United States 