International Women’s Day!

I would like to start this very late and long overdue post thanking all of the women (people who to my knowledge all identify as women) in my life who have influenced me and led me to become the person I have. I wouldn’t be where I am today without these women. This list is in no particular order, but the last two are a tie for first best woman.

The list of the 10 best women in my life are…

1. All of the women who fought for equal rights in every area and across every demographic so I could be where I am now.                                                          2. My past female teachers in various grades who have shaped me into who I am.                                                            3. My former caseworker who made all the difference.                                               4. My cousins Laniee                                                      5. My Cousin Courtney                                                 6. My Aunt Nina                                       7. The grandmas in my life, (my favorite one knows who she is).         8. The women I met in Seaside Oregon                                                        9. My sisters who I struggle to understand but who have been through much. Especially the one who first made me an aunt!                                                      10. My moms both bio and adoptive who are each there for me in different ways.

     

Now for my timeline                           of womanhood!

While I do identify as non binary which for me means not feeling 100 percent female despite that being my assigned sex at birth, I was raised with female issues affecting me as that is what society treated me as. Therefore the feminine spirit still affects me. Also for me my non binary identity leads me to feel like a mix of a female and a male as I have parts of my self that don’t just conform to one set of gender roles or the other. So now I will show and explain my timeline of womanhood and tell you why it might help you to do the same (people who don’t identify as a woman, please feel free to still do a timeline of your life in any w at that you feel helps you get a clear picture of yourself whether it be a timeline based on your age, parenthood journey, or the one I am doing).

This timeline is a bit hard to read due to the limitations of canvas, but I’ll go through my journey quickly.

The first milestone is my birth where I was assigned female at birth due to my genitalia. This was after my mother was told I was a boy during the ultrasound. I went home in boy clothes because my mom only had boy clothes. From then on I always got mistaken as a boy even when I wore girl clothes for some reason.

My mom was struggling at the time with poverty, addiction, and inner demons, but she was still doing all she could to care for me despite that fact. She eventually left my dad for our protection.

The second milestone was in 1996 when I first became a big sister, not only was I no longer an only child, but I was given a new title. I was someone’s big sister, their protector and I had an annoying, cute, lifetime, new friend.

The third milestone is when my final biological sibling was born and it was my first time having a little sister. Between 1996 and 2001 my youngest biological brother was born and he is who I spent most of my life with and who I have a special bond with, but when my sister was born and for the first 4 years of her life before we were separated I was with her almost 24/7.

When we lost touch and she forgot who I was that broke me. But now we have a connection again having a sister helped me in ways I can’t say. I was still never a typical girl, but

The fourth milestone was in 2003 when I moved back to from New York to my hometown in Connecticut I had just turned 10 and I had to leave my grandfather who I loved so much. I ended up meeting my birth father who had always wanted a boy. Things were good for a while, I spent the summer at his apartment, but over the next three years he would terrorize me with his unstable lifestyle.

The fifth milestone is the passing of my grandfather it was 2004 and I had just turned 11 that may. He was the only person in my family that I do not remember hurting me in some way. I wouldn’t learn about his imperfections and his demons until much later in 2021 while trying to write a memoir and doing family history interviews, so for me he remained a God.

He is still one of my influential role models and father figures, but I can finally see him as human now, which is how we should all see other people. Everyone has flaws, everyone has good in them, you can still love people’s good parts while recognizing that they aren’t perfect as long as you put up healthy boundaries. Don’t let them hurt you and use those flaws as an excuse for why they are doing so.

The sixth milestone is when both of my parents sent me away from each of their homes with my mother finally sending me back to new York where my aunt lived with her children and husband. I felt abandoned by both of my parents because I wasn’t able to realize at the time that neither of them could care for me with their lifestyles.

I thought I was doing a great job caring for my siblings and I, but could not see that that wasn’t my job. My one brother and sister were sent to one home with my mom’s cousin while my other brother and I were sent to NY where I would once again be abused by the cousin that started abusing me when I was 9. I had briefly got away from him, but was now going right back.

Being abused as a young child and for most of my life really has an effect on my view of what it means to be a woman. For me, all my life having female characteristics and being seen as a female had meant I had to get better at protecting myself physically and sexually so u don’t get hurt, while it seems males have to guard themselves more emotionally like not letting out emotions. Though ice never been seen as a male and have never faced the unique pressures that men may feel so it is an area I’m unfamiliar with.

I do know, however that as someone who was raise female, many women and girls have similar and even worse stories of abuse and assault just because of their gender. I also know that so many other LGBTQ+ people live in fear and face so much abuse and pain just for being who they naturally are and that is why on this international women’s day post (that is very late). I want to recognize all women, even those who were not born and assigned female at birth for the struggles they have faced through the years even though they shouldn’t have had to.

My seventh milestone is when I got taken out of my aunt’s home and got taken into a strangers home into foster care. This will not be my final home, but it is the first and only home that I finally get an older sibling as my foster parents here already have their own son. I end up modeling a lot of his behavior and his style of dress. He made a big impact on my life.

Sadly my cousin follows along with my other 2 cousins and my brother. The abuse continues there until I finally say something one final time. This time, while he is not criminally prosecuted, he ends up being moved and I never get abused by him again. Not to long after, my other cousins and my brother leave the home too. My brother and I are temporarily separated until my next milestone.

Milestone eight is an important one. This is the last family I get sent to, they are my “forever family” as we call it in foster care and adoption. My story as it a l most didn’t happen. The basics for now is that while no one is perfect, and while I love my birth mom so much for making the choices she did, at the time, my new mom put in a lot of hard work to break down my walls and to get me to trust again.

I instantly clung to her. I had a new dad at this home and it took a lot of hard work, but eventually my walls came down enough for me to slip and call him dad one day on the phone. I almost ages out of care before I decided to be adopted, but my other 2 siblings in Connecticut had each other, my brother here would have been all alone if I didn’t. Also the idea of him being allowed to drive a four wheelers post adoption while I would still not be able to while in foster care may have played a part in the decision.

In any case it turned out to be a good decision. I have a great relationship with my mom and I had a cherished relationship with my father who I saw as a positive male role model. We are going through struggles now that I can’t understand, but I still love him.

My ninth milestone of womanhood was my adoption day. It was the summer right after I turned 16 the previous month. The reason I count this milestone in my womanhood journey is because that day I followed through with my decision to fully change the first, middle, and last name that I had for 16 years.

That day I was Surounded by new family and no longer considered property of the state. I would spend the rest of my life including right now in a new life with an ever changing and evolving sense of self.

My tenth milestone was a dark day, though I can’t quite remember the exact day, I still remember the events. It was no secret to me that there were struggles in my new family, now with new siblings who were adopted in the 2 following years.

I did think we were all going to live in that house together forever, but one day when I was 21 my parents made the announcement that they were separating. My one brother wanted to stay with my dad, my 4 new siblings went with my mom, and I tried life as an adult with a new job, college, and my aunt as a roommate as it was cheaper for us both to split the bills.

This was a particularly important part of my timeline as it was my first time in the adult world paying bills and being treated as a grown woman. Sadly however the following year my mental health got so bad I had to check out of life and take an indefinite break. Over the next few years from the age of 21 to about 23 I loved in and out of my apartment with my aunt, the hospital, my mom’s apartment with her and my siblings, and for a brief time an adult group home for adults with developmental disabilities. Life was rough, I was lost just drifting in and out of wellness. Eventually I felt well enough to move I n my own again, this time fully on my own in housing for seniors and people with disabilities.

I did really well at this place for the most part for about 3 years until I was 26. I was still on the wild side as I had just finally started experimenting with my sexuality and further experimented with my identity.

I met a lot of people I regret meeting and did some things I regret doing including hurting my adoptive mom with my choices. In any case I made it through that rough patch and even started school again to finish my associates degrees in Human Services and Chemical Dependency.

For my eleventh milestone. I did move during the pandemic to a place that was is closer to my mother’s current place and that was a 2 bedroom. I did great there for a while and was very glad to be in a place that was not just for seniors and people with disabilities but for anyone who had a low income. That may not seem like a step up, but for me it meant I wouldn’t be evicted if I ever got pregnant as babies aren’t allowed to live in the building I lived in before.

I did well for a while and even had my cousin live there as a roommate when she needed a place to stay, but soon my brothers stopped visiting because my place stopped staying clean. I was getting depressed while I wasn’t taking my meds properly. I was able to graduate in 2021 with my associates degrees and get accepted to my dream college that same year for the next term. I put all of my effort into my schoolwork and not nearly as much into any other area of my life. School was the one place I felt I succeeded. But my health was getting bad again.

During this time, while there were struggles, and while I was very all over the place with this blog, I was starting to learn more about myself and my identity. I went voluntarily celibate in 2021 and stopped dating all together until I could learn how to have healthy relationships (still working on myself there) but through my lessons at school and other personal experiences I was able to place a name to the feelings I had for my whole life.

I realized that the word non-binary actually fit me and the way I see myself. I finally understood what my gender identity was. I also realised that there are different types of attractions and you don’t have to be sexually attracted to anyone to still feel like you could be romantically attracted to someone. I finally told myself the truth that for my whole life I felt no sexual attractions, but could see myself in a relationship with people of any gender. That’s while I felt comfortable with the identity of a sexual and pan romantic.

That brings me to the twelfth and final milestone I added to my timeline. This part of the timeline brings me to my point in time. I ended up moving from my apartment right into my mom’s place just this year where 2 of my siblings are left.

So far it hasn’t been too long, but I’m already taking all of my meds properly, loosing some excess weight, socializing more, getting ready to graduate with my Bachelors degree in Social Work this may after I finish my internship, and I’m fully happy with my non-binary, asexual, pan romantic self.

I definitely still have work to do and habits to break. But I have come a long way. There are so many people to thank for where I have gotten to, but on this month, international woman’s month (and only a few days after international woman’s day) who recognize, acknowledged, and appreciate. I hope I can be a similar source of inspiration for my 3 younger sisters, my niece, younger cousins (I’m the oldest sibling in both families and the oldest cousin in both sides of my adoptive family) and anyone reading this extremely long blog post!

While creating this timeline I had to sit with myself and fully analyze my life and what being a “women” has meant to me over the ever changing course of my life. The same process I did can help you look back at all of the important moments in your life that led you to where you are.

Start first listing 10 (or less or more if you need) people who have inspired you on your journey. By doing this first step you take time to put into words what or who you are greatful for.

Next make a list of important milestones on your journey. You don’t have to do 12, you can do as little or as many as you feel you need. This step allows you to see how you have progressed through your life, and can give you a feeling of acomplishmemt. It can also point you in the right direction for how to move forward. At least that’s how it worked for me.

I did 10 women and this type of timeline just in honor of international women’s day and month, but if you are doing a timeline for a different reason like honoring men in your life, or a timeline based on some other personal aspect you can feel free to tailor your timeline and list based on that.

I am still on a journey of self discovery, self love, and still working every day to improve my health. I’m still in the fight 4 my life. Make sure to follow me on this journey to stay updated, I may even have some wisdom to share so you can learn from my mistakes instead of learning the hard way like I often do.