The 10th and 11th…

Of this month we’re very important days. I was going to post on those days, but I decided not to due to the gravity of those days.

TRIGGER/ CONTENT WARNING I’m starting off with a disclaimer that the topic of this post will be on national suicide prevention Day, which was september 10th and will also briefly cover the topic of 9/11.

I am not a licensed therapist but someone who has struggled with her mental health for years, including issues with suicidal ideation and actions. Anything I talk about today will just be my own struggles and what has helped me overcome them. My blog is not a substitute for professional and personal medical or mental health diagnoses or treatment.

For those who need immediate resources there are resources on my resource page. I will also list some good ones right now.

The crisis text line is my go to because I don’t always like talking on the phone and I always get instant and helpful feedback.

Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a volunteer Crisis Counselor
Free 24/7 support at your fingertips

You can dial 988 in the united states for the National Suicide prevention  lifeline.

In 2020, Congress designated the new 988 dialing code to be operated through the existing National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

I will talk more about my experiences with this topic (censored of course) in a moment, but first I want to mention another disclaimer, one about 9/11.

I was also alive during the 9/11 attacks, but was only 7 so I don’t have much of a memory about it except for the fact that I was waiting for my cousin to be born. Because of that I will only talk briefly about that topic and leave the important work on that subject to people more qualified. I do feel, however that it is important to remember.

I have been born and raised in America and as usually happens for white people with colonizing ancestors, living in a colonized country the grown ups in my life convinced me that this is the best country in the world and that when my ancestors came here thry worked only peacefully with the native inhabitants and only did good things. I was taught things like slavery was so long ago that the effects aren’t felt today and that it ended when Abraham Lincoln ended it.

As I reached adulthood I learned that most of what I was taught about this being the best country ever and all of the American history I thought I knew was wrong, with some very important things being glossed over. All that being said, I have always had the privilege of feeling safe, at least from terrorism. Other things not so much, but growing up I never feared my house or school would be bombed like so many innocent people in places like the middle east (there are definitely innocent civilians over there), or eastern Europe (there are definitely innocent civilians there too).

Despite the fact that I was alive during the terrorist attacks on 9/11 and 7 years old, I don’t remember the significance of that atrocity hitting me until I was in 7th grade history class for some reason.

I do remember, for some reason, being 10-12 years old watching the race for presidency and not wanting Bush to win, but wanting former Senator John Kerry to win. I honestly have no idea why because no one in my household was political at all, I just started growing my own opinions at that age and sticking to my principles.

As an adult who has had time to study various classes like psychology, sociology, human service and social work classes, human development classes, American History, and politics classes, and by interacting personally with people of all different political, spiritual, and social beliefs, I understand better, the significance that 9/11 had for the U.S. and the world as a whole.

It was an event that made many Americans feel unsafe for the first time since World War 2 and the Cold War, and it was the first time there was a terrorist attack in the Continental U.S. these 3 attacks on that day led to many changes as well.

It led to tighter restrictions and security throughout the country and especially at Air Ports, it led to other countries seeing the Continental US from then on, as not being immune to terrorist attacks, and most devastating was the loss of so much life from the Attacks, the war that would begin for over 20 years all the way until recent events, and from many innocent Muslim Americans who had been in this country from their whole lives loosing their rights, freedoms, and lives from other Americans and the U.S. government as fear and anger about the attacks grew.

Even now, this day is still very emotional and memorable for Americans all over, some survivors of the attacks, some families of the victims or families of the survivors, some people who were supposed to be in the area of the attacks for work, but who were unable to come in and still feel emotions from gratitude to guilt that they didn’t come in to work that day.

Regardless of whether they were directly affected by the event, nearly all Americans who were alive and old enough to remember that day and the aftermath were affected in some way, shape, or form. It is important on the 11th to be empathetic, compassionate and patient, while keeping our humanity as we remember the significance of that day and as we look to improve life for current Americans and humans all over the world so there is less terror in the world and more love.

That is all I will talk about when it comes to 9/11, but I am going to talk more about a topic that I closely relate to. National Suicide Prevention Day. I may be a bit late from the day, but this whole month is suicide prevention month, so I guess I’m kind of on target.

Suicide attempts, suicidal ideations, and the life factors that lead to such attempts and ideations have affected my life since I was very young. The very first memories I have of anyone talking about hurting themselves was from 6 years old and on when my single mother of 3, soon to be 4 young kids under 10 would become so overwhelmed with our behavior she would go in the bathroom with a knife and yell that she was going to kill herself because we weren’t behaving.

I hold no anger at my mother currently because, as an adult, I know she was ill, but at the time, it was very traumatizing. Starting at 10, I developed severe depression and would mostly just sleep, but starting at 12, I began to hurt myself with any means I could get my hands on. I’m not going into details because I know that has no benefit and can do more harm than good.

By 14, I was having regular thoughts of being so desperate I wanted to end it all. At 16, I had my new parents take away the ice skates they bought me, and for them yo not let me shave so I wouldn’t be tempted to do anything.

For most of my time between the ages of 15 and 18, I was engaging in other self-destructive behaviors by dating adult men online and doing some very unhealthy activities. But after a really bad in person encounter with one of these people, I had a period of better mental health during the time my smart phone and iPod privileges were taken away. Things stayed good until I was almost 22 and I had my first suicide attempt after a fight with my adoptive mother.

Luckily for me, my aunt came home to our apartment when she did as she was able to rush me to the hospital. That was my most serious attempt and led to my first week stay in the mental health ward of my local hospital.

After I got out, I continued declining in mental health, which was affecting my physical health. I was dealing with the negative effects of my biological parents still being toxic (my mom through drinking and being irrational and erratic, and my dad through being narcissistic and being verbally nasty), the negative affects of by adoptive parents’ messy divorce, and the normal stress of having a full time job while being new to college.

My complex ptsd, anxiety, and major depression, plus my neurodivergent brain all starting contributing to me having panic attacks and flashbacks with physical seizure like activity causing me to pass out during work and school (which really started when I was 10, but which got worse over the years).

I ended up needing to take a full break from work and school and ended up going in and out of the mental health ward a several more times over the years, living in an adult group home due to the fact that my mother and I still were not healed from our own past traumas and were negatively affecting each other, and eventually I was able to get put on social security income, or SSI.

From age 23-age 26, I was still engaging in self-destructive behaviors with strangers on the internet and drinking, but I was able to get properly diagnosed with bipolar 2 after finally being able to get back in to psychological and psychiatric treatment. I started seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist and experimenting with different medical and talk therapy treatments.

Once we found the right combination that worked for my mental health symptoms, I was able to move on my own at an apartment building for seniors and people with disabilities. This was a major step up from the adult group home. I was also able to start school for my associates degree again and graduated in 2021 with a double major in human services and chemical dependency, also earning a license to be a drug counselor.

This was right during the middle of the covid-19 epidemic, so my capstone project changed dramatically, and I was unable to walk across the stage, but I was still able to graduate after a long break. The covid-19 pandemic did, however, decrease my mental health as I lost more of my support groups and out of the house activities. I was used to doing.

That coupled with less time with my family and my now more healed, adoptive mother, led me to needing a brief stay in my local hospital due to suicidal ideations and threats I was making with a specific plan. Following my release, I was in a better place mentally and ended up moving closer to my mom and siblings in a low income housing situation which was another step up from me.

By that time, I was not engaging in any online dating activity, and I was still in therapy with a great counselor. I was able to start my bachelor’s in social work with Keuka College which was done totally online due to covid restrictions. It worked out perfect for me and I preferred it that way.

I can’t say why yet, as I am still processing recent changes myself, but for some reason, after I moved into my new place, I started doing behaviors like hoarding worse than I had ever before, not taking my meds properly, rarely ever taking my morning meds and regularly running our of my night time meds, I was also becoming more reclusive and not wanting to leave my bed. I was consistently going between hypomsnia and severe depression.

These cycles brought with them psychosis and sadness. Despite all of this, there had been a major positive change with my behavior that I never took the time to appreciate until now.

No matter how bad my mental health got, I didn’t attempt suicide again, I started using coping skills like the holiness, and I was able to graduate with my bachelor’s degree without taking a break which included completing a 7 month internship at Planned Parenthood.

These were positive changes for sure, but I still had a bit of healing to do before I got to where I am right now. While I couldn’t see the problems with my lifestyle clearly, i knew there were still problems. My mom and I made the joint decision for me to move in after my sister had graduated high school and moved out.

This led to me moving from my own apartment, but it led to more positive changes. I started taking my mental and physical health medication as directed, leading to my health in both areas improving. I started eating healthier, exercising more, and losing weight with my diabetic and cholesterol numbers going back to healthy ranges (this is a very recent change). I also started getting more interaction with other people both in and out of my home, which has helped keep my mental health up.

My life has been a major roller coaster with Suicide and mental illness, which has been playing a major role in it for over 20 years. With all of the ups and downs, periods of breaking and repairing, time spent in the depths of my rock bottom, and at the peak of positive periods in my mental health, I consider it a major achievement that I no longer get suicidal urges no matter what my mental health is doing.

There isn’t one single factor I can contribute to this development, as there have been multiple healthy changes in a small time frame, but I feel, for me personally what has helped is finding the right balance of talk therapy and mental health medication to balance my imbalances, a strong support system I have built up in my new family, and finding coping mechanisms that work for me like meditation, creative writing, deep breathing exercises and other breath work, and using some of the suicide and crisis holiness I mentioned earlier (I have found the text one the most helpful for me because I get nervous on the phone and am able to text a real person without having to use my voice.

What has worked for me may not work for you, and that’s ok, but it is important to find something that dies work. One valuable resource for getting started with mental health care is actually your primary care provider. They can write referrals to mental health services in your area.

For immediate emergencies, though, your first call should be yo 911 as they can get to you the fastest. If you are not in very imminent danger, it could help you to try one of the support holiness listed where you can get empathetic support from a real human being to help you feel safe and to help the urges pass until you can get into a longer term type of treatment.

Whatever you do, wellness warriors, don’t put off getting help. You owe it to yourself to put your mental health first. Whether you believe it or not, there are people who care about you and who would be worse off if you were not around. One issue I used to have was that I thought people in my life would be better off without me, but that is a false and irrational statement, too.

If you do honestly feel you have problematic behaviors that hurt others causing you to think they would be better off without you, there is always time to heal from your own trauma and develop healthier behaviors leading to healthier interactions with your loved ones. But any hope of improvement is gone if you end your life.

This has been a very long blog post, and I appreciate those of you who stuck with it. I just couldn’t shorten it because it’s about topics I am passionate about. This Sunday, I am volunteering with the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention to help with my local out of the darkness walk. This will be my second time walking and my first time volunteering with the organization. This organization does so much to reduce the rates of suicide in the U.S.

I am not sponsored by the organization or anything, I just feel they deserve a shout-out. There are walks all over the country the month of September, and at these walks there is support and resources for people in need of them, there is even more money raised for the organization, and there is awareness raised about suicide and its effects.

One final disclaimer about the other important topic of this post. Regarding 9/11, I do not want anyone to think I don’t appreciate living in the United States, or that I don’t grasp the gravity of the attacks, or take lightly all of the lives lost from these Attacks, I just wanted to highlight the fact that there are so many other countries that I’m, sure are also wonderful to live in and I don’t think it’s right to claim that this is the best country to live in when I haven’t lived in any other one.

I hope anyone reading this finds support or inspiration. And I am sorry it came out a bit later than I planned. I promise the next post will be up very soon.