Surrounded by Darkness

It was so cold, dark, and scary back then. So much time was spent in my mind both consciously by playing make believe and subconsciously through day dreams and depression fuled slumber. By the mere age of ten I had already experienced more horror than most adults go through. Physical abuse starting from age 2, mental abuse, from around age 5, sexual abuse starting at age 7, and physical and emotional neglect starting from when I was a baby. Of course I never blamed my parents, my dad was absent for most of the 12 years I lived with my mom, and when he was there he was always sleeping just like I was; see the thing is depression is often hereditary. I also didn’t blame my mom she became a mom young and was never ready, she was battling her own mental health issues and battles with addiction. No, I did not blame anyone else, only myself for not being able to make the ones I love feel better. We didn’t live with my dad, but I was always taking care of my mom and my younger siblings. I didn’t know much back then, but I knew she was sick and needed me to. I love her, with all my heart I love her, but back then moving from home to home, being hurt so badly by so many it was cold, dark and scary, and I was always all alone.

Writing prompt: message in a bottle:

Just recently I purchased a book of 400 writing prompt with short little sections of space to fill in answers. My intent on starting this blog was to move forward, to to rehash old things from my past, though it may come up briefly sometimes. So my thought was to use this book of prompts as a sort of structure for my posts. I will update every week and hopefully on the same days each week. Well, here goes the first one.

While at a beach you decide to write a message in a bottle. What would it say? Who would you want to find it?

To whoever finds this message,

I hope you are truly happy in your life. If this message has found you, I honestly believe that it was meant to. I don’t know you, and you don’t know me; we are just two strangers now connected, because you have found my words and no matter what the effect is this letter will have one on you no matter what. I believe that there are forces of pure good in the universe even though there are many different names for these same forces. Whatever name either of us call this force, I know it brought this message to you for a purpose. Maybe you are a little down on your luck. Maybe you are having a hard time dealing with something going on in your life, or maybe you just need to hear someone tell you that you are not alone and everything will be okay.

From one human being to another,

I acknowledge you, and know that you have value. I wish you true peace and happiness.

With best wishes,

Trisha

Idontwannabeyouanymore

Video Published by fangirl lyrics on 08/03/17
Song written and sung by Billie Eilish

Billie Elish was reported as saying that this song was straight from inside of her. It conveys her feelings of insecurity and has a rather depressing tone, but It really hits home for me, as I can relate to the feelings this song expresses. Bille Eilish is quickly becoming one of my new favorite artists, and an inspiration to me. The person who put this video together did a wonderful job matching the background to the mood of the song.

Our Will To Play

Do you remember when we were kids
And our imagination weren’t limited
Our whole lives were ahead of us
And there was no such thing as debt
Do you remember the summers
Before we got to old
And started caring only for finding gold

We were getting high
on life and on helium
We weren’t afraid of emotions
We’d feel ’em

We chaced our licorice 
With bubble gum
Thought we’d always be young

Tommie threw rocks at Jennie
Because he liked her
Eventhough girls were icky

The last thing we wanted
was to nap or go inside
We wanted others to seek
So we could hide

All we had to do was “go and play”
Until the street light told us
It was time to call it a day

Before we knew it
We we grew up 
And locked our childhoods away
Somewhere in the shuffle
We lost our will to play

Patricia Dorr 06/28/19

Shift

I always shift between breaking too easy
And mindlessly numb
I don’t feel like me until
I’m loaded with vodka and rum

I quickly shift between restless madness
And unwakeable with a touch of suicidal
Some of my best conversations 
Have been with my hallucinations

I never know what version of me
I am going to be
I shy away from love
But wear my heart on my sleeve

I share too much too often
And the lies keep repeating
I’m trying to sort everything out in my head
But there’s to much conflict when it’s all “he said she said”

I runaway when my burden
becomes too much
My blood is boiling warm
But my heart is cold to the touch

I shift between wanting
the future others see for me
And fearing life will become
More like what my nightmares show me.

I long for day light
That’s when I find peace
From all the demons
That come back to haunt me

Patricia Dorr 6/27/2019